Have you ever been in love?
by Tokyoarmin
Summary: Dan is in an abusive relationship and the only light of hope in his life is a guy called Phil Lester. Starts of OC/Dan ends with Phan.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Have you ever been in love?

I'd say 3 times, maybe once couldn't be classed as real love. The second time was but it wasn't happy love. The third time was the best time ever. Real, true, requited love which is the best feeling ever. - Dan Howell.

So I based it off this quote, and kinda took it to the extreme version of what was said (This never happened I don't think) but yeah its OC but it will eventually become phan. Enjoy! I did have this on another account but I forgot my password and had to make a new one...

I glanced around the room staring at our stuff spread our across the floor. The mirror was smashed showing only soft cracks in it, that were trying to outline my face. My clothes where heaped up in a pile with holes in them after having a fight with the scissors.

I pushed my self up feeling a trickle of blood roll down my forehead. Taking a deep breathe I got up brushing the dust off my jeans and walking over to my clothes, picking up one of my tops that was just a rag now, and dabbing my head with it.

It stung making me hiss at the pain. Our bed had blood staining the mattress and our wardrobe door had fell off its hinges. I wasn't surprised. I heard small cries coming from the kitchen, sobbing silently while murmuring stuff under their voice. I followed the cries wandering into the kitchen, trying not to fall over due to the blow to my head.

Eva sat there hugging her teddy bear tight. I bought it for her the first day we met, and it was her go to bear when it got bad. She loved to whisper stuff to it when she thought I was sleeping, telling him how her day had been and how she was feeling. It was sad to think that she would rather tell that fucking bear than me, but on some level I understood.

I sat down beside her glancing down at her cut wrists watching as the blood dripped off her shirt and onto the wooden flooring. I grabbed her arm kissing her cuts and lifting her head up with the tip of my finger. Her soft brown curls fell down past her shoulders as she flickered up her emerald green eyes to look at me. Her pale complexion was ruined by masscara that and dripped down her face as she bit her lip slightly shaking. She was cold to touch and made me sudden at the sudden temperature.

I loved her so much.

She fell into my embrace hugging me for dear life as tears rolled helplessly down her face and I couldn't help but smile sweetly to myself. We argued a lot. This time was about money as I went out and got pissed yet again and spent it all. I came home to her screaming her head off at me about how irresponsible I was and how I was destroying her. I pushed past her making my way into the kitchen calling her a bitch as I did so, thats when she smacked me round the face the pain spreading across my face like wildfire.

I reacted back shoving her into the wall at great speed, her head smacking the concrete hard. She bit me running for a pint glass that was in the side and then smashing me over the head with it, the glass spreading across the very ground we where both now sat on. I manged to run up into the bedroom throwing the bedside lamp at her head and watching it smash against the wall instead. That's when she picked up a chair and threw it has hard as possible at my head. That's when I blacked out and woke up... I don't know how long later.

I fucking hated her.

But God did I love her.

To Phil.

Hey so today I made it out with a knock on the head but I'm okay you? X

To Dan.

Dan this has to stop this isn't good for either of you... And I'm doing fine lost my house keys though :/ x

To Phil.

Hahaha why am I not surprised you idiot! And I know but what can you do? X

To Dan.

Be safe. Please. X

To Phil

Don't worry about me you stress head :p x

I placed my finger on the edge of my cup, tracing the rim slowly sighing deeply to myself. It was a cold frosty morning and I had brought a quilt for a ride to the kitchen, in which I sat there watching my cornflakes drowned. It was Monday and I really wasn't feeling it.

I didn't feel the need to talk to her the next day. I never did we just pondered about the house not saying a word to eachother all the time and pretending that everything way okay.

We never looked at eachother.

We never spoke to eachother.

We never fucked eachother.

We never even stayed in the same room as eachother for more than 5 minutes.

That's why we both caused arguments, it gave us a reason to communicate. Today wasn't a good day as I rummaged through my draws looking for any undamaged clothing.I manged to find one crappy top and just put on the jeans I was wearing the previous day. I wandered downstairs to see her sweeping up the glass from the floor before reaching for her coat. She threw it on walking towards the door in quite a hurry. I ran after her grabbing her hair trying to pull her back to me.

"where are you going?" I asked as she gave me a dead glare.

"To see my friend kayleigh now get the fuck off me before I break your arm" I realesed my grip allowing her to walk freely out the door as I knew she wasn't bluffing.

"Have fun!" SLAM! The door shut behind her. I saw this as a opportunity, she didn't like me talking to phil. She didn't like me talking to anyone. I ran upstairs into the bedroom and pulling up the chair that she had launched at me the day before and standing on it to get to the back of the wardrobe. I was tall enough to reach it but it was just easier to us the chair.

I pulled out a phone from the back smiling at it as I jumped off the chair, starting to compose a text to phil. I met him over the Internet and we used to spend hours talking to eachother about random crap. She found out about him and accused me of cheating even though she knew they was no way we could get to eachother without her noticing, and ended up smashing my phone up and breaking my arm.

I smashed her laptop up for that one.

So when it was time for me to get a new phone I settled for getting 2, one that she could look at and one for me to message phil on. I jumped on the bed laying my head against the soft pillow, while smiling softly to myself.

To Phil.

Hey you! X

To Dan.

Hey how are you :p x

Phil was sweet. He lifted me up when times where grey bringing colour to my dull world. He knew how bad mine and Evas relationship was and had begged me to leave many times. He said it wasnt just for my safety but for hers aswell as I was just as violent towards her as she was to me. He had a fair point on that one. I just told all the soppy shit on how I loved her and couldn't be without her and I'm pretty sure he rolled his eyes at the texts but they were true. I didnt know how to breathe without her. Phil was my escape from it all, she had the teddy I had phil.

To Phil.

Doing okay you? X

To Dan.

I smashed my head on the door frame walking into a lecture today so I feel like it's a sign today isn't gonna be a smashing day. X

I giggled slightly at my phone at his clumsiness.

To Phil.

What do you mean won't be a smashing day you have already smashed your head once x

To Dan.

Wow. Funny aren't you. X

To Phil.

I like to think I am yes. X

She got home hours later slamming the door shut behind her and making her way into the living room. I jumped up from my spot whispering goodbye to phil as I put the phone back on top of the wardrobe. I heard her kick off her heels as she shouted up for me.

"DAN!" I ran down stairs swinging round the edge of the door to see her stood there tears dripping down her face. I was to used to seeing her like that.

"What's wrong?" I asked unsure if I should take a step towards her or not. I didn't know how to react to her being sad unless I was the one causing her pain. I hated to admit that but it was true. I didnt want her to cry.

She took a deep breathe preparing herself "My dad... died." I ran towards her holding her as tight as I could allowing her to sob into my shoulder staining my shirt with her mascara. Her knees fell weak as I caught her holding her as if we had just got married, her dress flowed past my knees. She was shaking uncontrollably, her finger nails digging into my back.

This was my fault. She wasn't allowed to see her family because of me. They banned her for coming to any family events if I was to come with her. The women beater they would associate me as, which to be honest I found extremely sexist given that she was allowed to attack me but not vise versa. Of course no one should be attacking anyone but sometimes I wanted to fucking strangle her. I had tried.

I manged to carry her to bed laying her down on the pillow and tucking her into the covers. This was my que to leave. I glanced at her closing her eyes gently and made my way slowly towards the door. She was pretty when she slept not that I was gonna let her know that.

"Dan come to bed" my eyes widened in shock. She wanted me there with her!? I nodded slightly "Ermm yeah sure" I manged to croak out, walking sheepishly towards the bed. I climbed in laying down and closing my eyes quickly, maybe if I fell asleep quickly I wouldn't annoy her. That was when I felt her hand place gently onto of mine as she turned to face me, her face red from crying.

"I love you."

"I love you too."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Have you ever been in love?

I'd say 3 times, maybe once couldn't be classed as real love. The second time was but it wasn't happy love. The third time was the best time ever. Real, true, requited love which is the best feeling ever. - Dan Howell.

So I based it off this quote, and kinda took it to the extreme version of what was said (This never happened I don't think) but yeah its OC but it will eventually become phan. Enjoy!

"Are you okay?" She had curled herself into a ball on the sofa, a quilt wrapped over her with her teddy bear sat on her lap making its self at home. She hadn't spoke much for days but when she did it was words of affection about how much she love me and that she wanted me there with her at all time.

I understood why she was doing it, someone she loved with all her life died all of a sudden without warning and she was never able to tell him that she loved him deeply, so ending on a bad note with me aswell would destroy her. She wouldn't stop listening to sad music and flicking through photos of them both when she was younger. She didn't have any recent ones of them because she was banned from seeing them because of me...

Today way they day of the funeral and for some odd reason we had got an invite. I wasn't going to go but she refused to attend without me so I had to pick out a smart blazer and a white top to go with my regular pair of black skinny jeans. It took a while but I found one. I manged to get the day off work after a long time of persuading the boss. And I found her out a black dress it put on. She didn't really want to move, she wanted to sit there all day admiring the way the cereals in her bowel spun round and round in different directions.

It took a while but she got up and applied her make up and put on the dress I had laid out for her. She found a black cardigan and put it on to hide the scars down her arms. After every fight she cut herself. I made her hurt herself. We made our way outside walking towards the car, her heels clicking against the pavement. The car was warmer that outside and I cherished every moment.

As we made our way towards the church I noticed her mother there with a hankie in one hand as she cried deeply on the shoulder of an old woman I didn't know. Eva ran towards her ripping her mother off the women and flinging her arms round her herself, allowing the tears she had been holding the whole day to fall down her delicate cheeks.

It wasn't long before I got attacked. I was expecting it to be honest, I couldn't go to any of Evas family events with out some kind of family member saying they wanted to kick the shit out of me. This time it was her cousin Tim and jesus christ was he intimidating!

He slung his weight towards me throwing words of spite and anger in my direction. I spun round on the ball on my foot to witness the thing distracting me from this lovely scenery. He wasnt as tall as me but he had big bulging muscles to which I had none. I squirmed slightly under his deathly glare as he jumped in front of me.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE!" he bellowed from the top of his lungs. I looked round looking for Eva in hope she could save me from this current attack. I didn't really do arguments with her family as it made them hate me more. I did once though which ended in him with a broken nose and me with a black eye, so never again.

"I'm here for Eva what do you think" I explained trying to push past him to go find her. He shoved me back making me roll my eyes at him as he did so.

"Why is this your day off from beating her black and blue?!" I bit my tongue trying to stop the vicious words from dripping out my mouth and replied calmly to him "Mate its a funeral okay a funeral don't start any trouble" he looked me up and down and spate out "I aint your fucking mate! Women beater"

He grabbed me by my shirt and slammed me hard against the concrete, pain spreading across my back. I giggle slightly, watching the angry well up even more inside him. He smacked me hard around the face his knuckle clashing hard with my cheek bone. I ignored the pain laughing even harder at him in an attempt to wind him up. My nose began to bleed as I spat at him "Is that all you fucking got!"

That's when Eva came running ripping Tim off and pushing me back as I was about to rip his head from his body. She looked me dead in the eyes and whisper for me to take deep breathes. I did what she said slowly becoming calmer and calmer each time I exhaled.

"Tim lay off him!" She shouted giving him a look that could kill. He grew even more angry like a little angry minion and I couldn't help but giggle to myself. And that's when the crowd started to form.

"He fucking beats you black and blue Eva, try and tell me that you are happy with him! Go on try!" She closed her eyes slowly preparing herself.

"No I'm not happy but you know what all of you gave up on me! You abandoned me because of him but he still was there for me and still came to this fucking funeral today knowing he was gonna get this amount of shit thrown at it him and he did it with my interest at heart, because I wanted him here. So how about you just fuck off because maybe we're not happy but at least we care about each other!" She took a long sigh as everyone stood quietly. I reached out to touch her but changed my mind putting my hands in my pockets.

"Just go home Dan..." I nodded at her slowly.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean t-"

"I know"

The car journey home was horrible, I just needed to get along with them once, and I manged to fuck that up. Of course it was me that had ruined her dads funeral who else would it have been. I pulled into the drive way sighing heavily. Always fucking me.

I door opened allowing warmth to run across me heating me back up again. The house was silent and I never left more alone in it as I did just then. Thats when I ran up stairs to get my phone. I knew I shouldnt it was her dads funeral today and she hated me talking to Phil, but he was to hard to ignore I needed to speak to him, make sure he was okay.

To Phil.

Hey how are you x

To Dan.

I'm okay you? X

That was a hard one to answer I didnt know how I felt. Was I happy was I sad, I didn't know...

To Phil.

I'm fine what are you doing? X

To Dan.

Maths kill me now. Why did I take maths? I hate maths! Ugh I need a break... X

To Phil.

Hahaha bless ya I need a break too... X

To Dan.

Maybe we should have a break together! you know meet up? We have been talking for how many years it would be nice to finally meet you x

I sat there for a second reading the text over and over. How may texts? how many Skype calls? And we have never decided to meet each other and now he had finally suggested it, it excited me a little. I could actually meet phil. I paused trying to think of a way to respond.

To Phil.

I would love to! But what about Eva... X

To Dan.

Tell her your going to see family x

I felt as though I was cheating on her (which I obviously wasn't) but maybe I should. Years I had dreamed about meeting phil maybe now was the time. Maybe I should meet him.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Have you ever been in love?

I'd say 3 times, maybe once couldn't be classed as real love. The second time was but it wasn't happy love. The third time was the best time ever. Real, true, requited love which is the best feeling ever. - Dan Howell.

So I based it off this quote, and kinda took it to the extreme version of what was said (This never happened I don't think) but yeah its OC but it will eventually become phan. Enjoy!

Also if anyone cares I have been writing a story about Phil and Carrie (yeah I know weird) it's about them going to find pancakes at stupid o'clock but I don't know no if I wanna upload it, so if you do wanna read it tell me and I will upload it otherwise I won't bother :)

Her dads funeral went okay and everyone had calmed down after my fuck up with her cousin. I had slept on the sofa incase I was annoying her by being in the way. I didn't wanna upset her anymore than I already had. She wandered in about half 2 slightly drunk with tears spilling down her pale face. Her heel banged against the wall and her keys fell upon the table. She ran as fast as possible up stairs not even stopping to look at me. She threw up everywhere. I couldn't be angry at her, she was just drowning the pain in a bottle of vodka. Something I was too used to doing.

I got up dangling my legs off the side of the sofa and placing them firmly on the ground, before pushing myself up onto my feet. The sound of sick hitting the toilet stopped and I took that as my que to go see her. I crept up the stairs trying to be as quiet as possible, and avoid any dodgy floor boards.I pulled our bedroom door open slightly peaking my head round the corner to see her sat up in bed, her puke stained dress laying across the floor as she sat there with her shorts and panda top on. How she manged to put them on without a problem amazed me. She was cuddling her teddy whispering sweet nothings into its ear.

"He was a prick wasn't he? A complete and utter arsehole! So why have I cried so many tears over him?... I guess he is my dad and I do love him...did love him but that doesn't excuse how awful he was right. Right?" Of course she was crying this, her head buried deep into the teddy bears chest. It was very rare I ever caught her not crying these days. I missed her sweet smile. I closed the door. She didn't want me there, if she wanted me there she would of come to me but instead she told that fucking bear.

The bear was old and tattered, it ear had nearly feel off once and she cried and panicked until it was fixed again. His brown fluffy fur and chocolate eyes make her feel at home. The bear was who she wanted me to be in her eyes. The day I gave her that bear was the day our relationship started to disintegrate, so it reminded her of what was.

Who I was.

Of course I am the same person, the only difference was that back then we had no stress, no worries, and the thought of eachother happy didn't make us both sick to the core. I let her talk to the bear and made my way back down stairs back onto the sofa. She was stressing me out to fucking much. I tucked myself into a ball making myself comfy. I place my head upon the pillow , sinking deep into my bedsheets. My eyes sore I tried to drift into a deep sleep. I was exhausted a lot usually, my mother blamed it on the sadness wearing me down. She was properly right but I was gonna let her know that.

To Dan.

CAN WE GO TO LONDON PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CAN WE GO TO LONDON! X

I read the text under the table giggling slightly to my self before taking a swig of coffee. It had turned cold creating a horrible after taste in my mouth, I pulled a face at it before taking another swig. My throat stung and no matter how much it tasted like shit, it soothed my throat making it a little better with each sup. So I kept drinking it.

To Phil.

Why the hell do you wanna go to London? X

Sure London was the capital but there wasn't much special about it, the queues everywhere where massive and everything was more expensive and that pissed me off about London to be honest. But then again for Phil living in York it must be weird going somewhere about 3 times the size.

To Dan.

Because I have never been before and it looks great! Please please please take me to London! X

To Phil.

Okay we can go to London... But you have to promise me to go to the harry potter studio! X

To Dan.

PROMISE! I'm so excited to meet you! I have thought about this for so long it's unreal! X

I had thought about it too. I imagined us meeting on a bus randomly, through a friend, meeting up at a secret location and laying under the stars with him, our fingers intertwined as I laid my head on his chest listening carefully for his heart beat... It was no lie Phil was attractive and I was a fool to say I hadn't developed a crush on him before I met Eva. I pushed the thoughts of being anything more than friends with Phil a few years ago burring them in the back of my mind. Luckily they never appeared much anymore, and if the did it was more of a my friends so attractive lucky sod! Kind of way.

To Phil.

SAME! When are we meeting? X

To Dan.

I can try and get some train tickets for next week? X

To Phil.

Perfect! I can't wait! X

To Dan.

Me either! X

I smiled down at my phone.

"Hey" I jumped at the sight of Eva dropping my phone on the floor and looking up at her like a dear in headlights. Her eyebrows knitted together in confusion as she heard a bang hit the floor.

Shit.

She wandered up to me bending down slightly and reaching for the phone as I held my breathe unable to comprehend what was going on. She looked at it with caution as if it was about to blow up in her face. My heart rate increased beating hard against my rib cage, as I swollowed hard shaking slightly.

"What is this?" She asked tears starting to well up in her eyes as she bit her lip hard.

"Nothing!"

I finally reacted jumping up out of my seat and launching myself forward trying to grab the phone. She spun round fast turning the phone on allowing the brightness to blind me. She clicked on messages running into the living room as she did so. I looked around the kitchen desperately trying to find an escape or something to help me in this situation. I ran over grabbing a plate and running after her into the living room. She stood there tears now dripping off her chin as she shouted out my texts to Phil.

"I wanna be there with you! I have missed you what have you been doing! Hahaha I think it's cute when you do that!" I ran towards her ripping the phone out of her hands and throwing it towards the other side of the room as she began to shout even louder in my ear.

"ALL THIS TIME I HAVE THOUGHT YOU WHERE HELPING ME WITH THE FACT THAT MY FUCKING FATHER DIED WHEN REALLY YOU WHERE FUCKING TEXTING HIM!" She screamed as I felt something hard smack me on the head. I fell down to my knees releasing my weapon and curling up into a ball as she began to kick me hard in the ribs.

I hissed at the pain, my eyes overflowing with tears. There kicks became hard and more fierce sending tiny shoots of pain down my back. My body began to ache every where as she cried out words of hatred towards me. Blood trickled down my forehead head making me close my eyes shut hoping it would all just go away. Even though she was only little she had a lot of fight on her.

I couldn't breathe as her kicks where so sharp. It was a while before I became numb to the pain and it all just drifted away. I imagined I wasn't there, I imaged it was all a dream and that I was just gonna wake up and she was gonna tell me about her day and how it went and that she loved me. I imagined I was the bear.

Then it when black.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Sorry it took so long to update

I have been in London, where I found orces nest and had bubble tea, and went to practically everywhere they did on the day in our life Christmas version... It was a accident aswell I was actually trying to find a theater cause I was watching a production but ended up recreating their foot steps. Where they go shopping to is a pretty rubbish place to shop aswell... I couldnt find any good shops there. Annnyyywayyyy I'm rambling so enjoy! :3

I cried staining the carpet with my wet soggy tears, and leaving patches on the floor. Every breathe I took felt as though someone had took a knife and stabbed me in the chest. My body bruised and broken I laid as still has possible unable to force myself to move. I didn't know how long I had been laid there for it could have been minutes or hours I wasn't sure, but she had left me alone and that's all that mattered.

I heard her cries from up stairs as she smashed up our room. I was certain all my belongings where going to be ruined. I didn't care, they where worthless to me. The taste of blood inside my mouth hung around like a bad after taste not wanting to leave. I didn't really feel anything. I was numb.

I tried to push myself up but collapsed falling back towards the floor screaming out in horrific pain. I had broken my arm. I knew I had. I gasped holding my breathe in hope he didn't hear me. I was so scared.

I curled up in a tight ball trying to block out everything. I wasn't here i was somewhere warm, somewhere nice. I was safe...

BANG!

"Police open up!" I snapped from my day dream opening my eyes in horror, who called the police?

I heard Eva run down the stairs running into the room and laying down next to me. My heart smashed against my rib cage as if it was gonna burst open. She bit her lip, slowly brushing the hair out of my face and them smiling softly at me. I gulped hard unsure on what pain I was going to endure next. She lent forward towards me placing a small delicate kiss upon my bloody lips, her smooth texture making me forget what she had done for a few seconds.

"I called the police on myself because what I have done to you isn't right Dan. What we do to eachother isn't right Dan. I hope you understand that I do love you, but this isn't love Dan this is abuse" a tear dropped down her face as I felt my heart break a little.

"N...no..I" I had no energy to speak and these words where all I could mange to pull from my voice box. She placed a finger on my lips shutting me up.

"Goodbye Dan" I closed my eyes tight. She jumped up running away from me, her disappearance making me feel lost.

The door sung open and a small gush of wind feel across my body making me shiver slightly. I heard the police man enter slapping handcuffs onto her wrists as paramedics came rushing towards me. This pain was much worse than any physical pain by a long shot. My eyes started to drop as my head started to go all over the place. I couldn't focuse, I couldn't think...

I blacked out.

My eyes fluttered open, as I tried to adjust myself to the lighting that had fell upon me. I moved round slightly pulling myself up with all the effort I had before I remembered. Eva. I noticed a nurse with bright blonde hair and red rosy cheeks stood at the other end of my room. I was in hospital. She saw me move around and ran towards me polishing her fake smile and pushing me back down into the bed.

"Honey you need to rest" he focuse was so sweet and fake it made me feel sick.

"NO! Where is Eva!" She looked taken back by my sudden out cry.

"Daniel is it, now she is police custody for what she has done to you, you do understand what she has done right?" I felt as though she was patronising me acting as if I was a little child who need to be spoon feed. Of course I knew what happen! But it's not like it hasn't happened before...

I glared at her falling down into the bed and making myself comfortable I need a rest.

"Mister Lester is waiting for you in the waiting room now your awake maybe he could come in?" my eyes widened in shock as my breathe got taken away a little.

"H...how did you get his number?" i stuttered my stomach turning into butterflies. "Your phone it was on the floor and Mr Lester was the only contact you had so we had to call him... I hope that was okay?" I nodded coking on my own words

"yea-yes that's okay"

Phils Pov

Sprinkles of snow settled on the ground outside like a white blanket filling the street. Footsteps ruined most of the clear white snow, but I wasn't that bothered there was a little bit darkness in everything beautiful.

I wrapped my coat around me in a desperate attempted to keep myself warm, but the coldness still hit me sending shivers down my spine. Maybe coming for a walk wasn't the best idea. Oh well you're out now phil, might as well explore the area around the hospital instead of running past it all.

My feet started to lead me off to a small ally way. I gulped softly trying to see but it was too dark to make anything out. I frowned I hated that. Suddenly footsteps began to draw closer towards me, I spun round on the heel of my foot to see an short man with short choppy brown hair staring me in the face. He scowled at me trying to push past, I shoved quickly past him.

He was a drug dealer. That wasn't hard to suspect, the rundown appearance of his face with dark circles hiding under his eyes, but smart clothes so he gets a fair share of money, his hand dug deeply in his pockets as if he is holding something. And the smell of weed was also a massive give away!

I walked quicker; I was in the wrong neighbourhood. Again...

I wrapped my coat round me even tighter, looking round the deserted ally checking if anyone was behind me. Gangster of the year was gone. I wrapped my jacket round me rubbing my hand furiously together in a desperate attempt to get warm. The warm soothing air that was once comforting me in the hardest times, had now turned against me going cold and making it look as though I was smoking every time I took a deep breath. I brushed my fringe out on my face, walking down the dark gloomy street that was light up by a single lamppost, which just flickered anyway because it didn't work properly

I had to get out the hospital, even if it was for a few hours.

I had called Dan's family who were determined to come down and see him. How could I decline?

The doctors still refused to let me see him and allI had been told is that Dan had a few broken bones and a mild case of brain damage due to Eva repeatedly smashing him in the head. That was all I knew and I needed to know more.

My throat stung as I tuck a swig of water. I gulped it down allowing it to sooth my aching throat, making it better. I was tried and just wanted to curl up in a ball and go to sleep, but I knew I had to do this.

I was back at the hospital.

I held my head up as I made my way in. I walked back into the oh so familiar waiting room. A girl who had been cry the whole time I had been here was silent. No silent whimpering. No hands burring in her face. Just quiet with a stern look on her face. I noticed her turn to talk to me, with her small, elegant voice.

"When you did do you think there is a heaven? Or anything" I blinked slightly, gulping hard.

"No I don't do you?"

"No it's bullshit. All of its bullshit" I watched her eyes hover towards the floor, her face completely motionless.

"You got to stay optimistic though...I guess" She glanced at quickly. We both knew that was hard given our current situation. And I guess I wasn't being very optimistic myself I was just was too scared to believe anything could get better. Anything.

I placed my hands on my knees, my eyes closed shut in a desperate attempt to get away. I didn't know where I was going to go exactly; I never really made myself a happy place, maybe I should have done. My feet dangled downwards swinging backwards and forth, backwards and forth. The swinging was starting to make me feel sick but I refused to stop the continuous pace even though it made my stomach turn. It was making me feel better, like a drug you shouldn't do but feel like you should.

I chewed the bottom of my gum, the waiting was killing me, endless waiting. The hardest bit was not knowing if the person is going to be okay, of course though you couldn't blame the Doctors or nurses they were just doing their best to help you, but sometimes you just feel as though they don't really care and that you're just another problem moaning for help. That's what we all were doing; moaning for help, everyone in this hospital wanted it. That's why however much the waiting was killing me I also loved it to bits.

I had never even met Dan in my life but the need to make sure he was okay was overpowering, and I must say I cried a little when I go the phone call. It was a long way to travel but I made it. I had to see he was okay.

This hard plastic chair was pulling a massive strain on my back sending little shots of pain down my spine and in my muscles. The 5 walls of this waiting room where sending me into delusions with its white and green swirls across the room.

The waiting.

The magazines where all spread out across the table after I had disposed each one flinging it back after I had looked through them all. I now knew what disaster Kim Kardashian had gone through this week as she walked out in the wrong outfit, and also how horrible it was for Paris Hilton when she lost her favourite purse. Honestly to me it was more like a joke magazine than a gossip one with the amount of crap that filled each and every one of the pages. But it did make the time pass so I wasn't massively bothered.

The waiting!

I rubbed my eyes sending myself into a small galaxy with swirls and patterns of light running around in my eyes until I finally pulled my hands away.

Just then a woman with long brown hair approached me a broad smile running from each corner of her mouth. "Phillip Lester?" I jumped up as quickly as I could.

"Dan's awake you wanna come see him?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed making my way to his room.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Surprised bitch. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me!

WARNING - I make a small reference to the voldemort video.

Also Phil did sneak a Macdonalds in for Dan when he was in hospital ages ago so I thought I would add it here.

Covent gardens! That's where orces nest is if anyone wants to go, it's where the matilda the musical is being held if you look down one of the 7 streets it's on the street that has a small market stall that sells lots of hats and orces nest is right next to it. I thought I would tell anyone who wanted to go cause the shop is amazing! Anyway how has your guys days been? I would love to know.

My knees felt as though they where about to give way as I placed my hand upon Dan hospital door. I bit my lip nervously my tummy flipping over and over in a pattern. It had never done that for anyone before so that was nice. I took a deep breath inhaling the clean fresh air as i pushed the door open.

I watched his deep brown eyes stare at me like a deer in headlights. I held my breath. We were here together I was with Dan. His curly brown hair swept across his face trying to hide his black eyes that puffed up purple. His slightly tanned complexion started to turn red as he smirked at the floor his eyes following. He began fumbling with is hands nervously his slightly chapped pink lips making me bit my cheek harder at the urge to kiss them.

Dan wasn't gay and that was what upset me a little as I knew I had no chance. He knew that I was as he was the first person I came out to and he was so nice about the whole situation. My heart broke slightly at his appearance. I wandered slowly towards him taking a seat in the near by chair and shooting him a comforting smile.

"Hey" I manged to pull from my lips my knees a nervous wreak. I glanced up at me smiling back at me with all the effort he had left.

"Hey so glad to ermm err whaaaa" he began to get frustrated with himself hitting his head as he tried to think of the words to say. He started clicking his fingers in an attempt to remember what to say next "see you! Finally!" a small sigh escaped his lips as he sunk back down into the bed.

It was a side effect of his brain damage, he knew what it was he was trying to say he just wasn't to sure on how to get it out into words. He also was gonna struggle with getting his hands and his brain to cooperate with each other. I didn't have the heart to tell him it might be harder for him to play video games. I felt like he would cry for 50 days straight knowing Dan.

"Yeah how are you feeling?" I asked unsure on what to really say. I didn't know how to speak to him face to face, and I under estimated just how hard it was gonna be. I can't sit here and say everything is gonna go back to how it was can I...

He shrugged his shoulders slightly "Kinda just wanna go home" he couldn't go home. He had to be looked after for a while by someone. His mother was determined to take him with her and cherish and care for him as much as possible, but I didn't think that was the best idea Dan's mum wasn't the biggest fan of Eva (to be fair neither was I) but she would say horrible things to Dan about her but whatever she has done to Dan, I knew he loved her and shouldnt hear that.

I talk as if I know them personally, as if I know Dan personally. Technically I did, technically I didn't.

"Oh yeah I got you Macdonalds be proud I snuck it in" he jumped up straight away as his eyes lit up. I giggled slightly opening my bag and pulling out a big mac for him. He started eating it swallowing it whole with out waiting for a break I giggled slightly at him as he turned round slowly remembering I was sat there.

"Sorry I haven't ate much cause the hospital food tastes like shit..." I couldn't agree more with that statement and allowed him to carry on munching. I didn't want to bring up the subject of Eva, as I felt it wasn't really an appropriate time to do so, so I just talked to him about other stuff. It wasn't long before we were talking just like we did on text about how I was crap at video games and that death note was amazing. We were back to speaking normal.

We both lost track of time in a deep conversation about how scary twisty the clown from American horror story was before she burster in. Dans mum. She wore a long puffy dress that was pulled in at the middle hugging her figure perfectly. Little grey ringlets fell down the side of her face, as her piercing brown eyes shone in the light. I knew where dan got it from.

"Honey!" She burster into tears running towards dan, flinging her arms across him body. I jumped back a little quite startled. Dans eyes widened in horror before he smiled slightly sinking into her embrace. She pulled away brushing a small bit if dan's hair behind his ear and placing a small kiss onto his forehead.

"Are you okay? I was think that maybe you could stay at my friend Julies because we are a bit cramped for space...But we will find you some!" She sounded a little worried as if Dan wouldn't approve. Dan bit his lip a little shaking his head a little.

"I erm I... I dunno can't I just go home?" His mother began shaking her head rapidly, clutching hard onto his hands. "noooo you can't dan someone needs to look after you" without thinking I made a quick decision.

"He can stay with me." two sets of beady eyes started at me with grins of there faces.

Dan exclaimed "That would be perfect!"

Soooooooo sorry this took so long I have discovered what anime is and have manged to watch attack on titan, kuroshitsuji, death note, fairy tail (not all of it that would take a while), sword art online and last but least my favorite Tokyo ghoul. Yep I'm obsessed. So that's why cause I was finishing seasons in a night Yay! Sorry...


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